Gulo

Gulong-gulo ako
Gulong-gulo sa'yo.
Ako mismo, hindi ko na alam ang gagawin
Kaya nga't sa Diyos nalang dumalangin.

Kasi yung totoo,
Kung hahayaan ko lang talaga 'to,
Tiyak ang lalabas na sagot ay oo.
Dahil ganito kalakas yung tama ko sa'yo.

Ang pangit pakinggan
Na ako pa babae ang natamaan.
Pero may magagawa pa nga ba ako?
Kahit anong pigil ko, balik ng balik pa din sa'yo.

Di mo siguro alam kung gaano ko pinigilan
Di mo siguro alam kung ilang beses ko sinubukan.
Pero ikaw naman kasi, ang gulo-gulo mo rin
Kung kailan na bibitiw na'ko, doon mo rin hihilain.

Tapos tsaka mo iiwan sa ere
Yung tipo bang parang walang nangyari?
Siguro nga hindi mo lang talaga alam
Kung anong gulong dulot mo sa'king nararamdaman.

Kung iisipin, kaya ko pa naman na ganito
Pero nakakapagod din kaya, ano.
Alam kong di mo naman ako pinapaasa
Ako lang naman itong naghahangad ng iba.

Kaya nga sinasabi ko na ayoko na
Tama na 'tong pabalik-balik ha?
Ayoko nang magkagusto sa taong walang gusto sa'kin
Masakit at ako'y naka-ilang beses na rin.

Nagdasal ako, nanalangin sa Diyos
Nagtanong, humingi ng huling pagtutuos.
Kasi maging ako ay hindi makaintindi
Kung bakit ang nararamdaman ko'y hindi maitimpi.

Yung sagot Niya ay itinali ko sa sagot mo
Ilang araw ko hinintay at iniyakan ito
Kasi gusto ko na talaga ng kaliwanagan
Kung hahayaan ko ba, o ika'y dapat nang kalimutan.

At ang naging sagot? Naalala mo pa ba?
Tinanong kita kung dadating ba ang araw na magmamahal ka.
Hindi man ganoon mismo yung pagkakatanong ko
Pero ganoon na rin yun kung lubos na iintindihin mo

Sinabi mo'y hindi ka gapos na pagdaanan ang ganoong estado
At iyon ay sagot na "hindi" sa pagkakaintindi ko
Kung kaya't doon di'y nagdesisyon ako
Na limutin na ang nararamdaman para sa'yo.

Pero binawi mo yung sagot mo sa mga kasunod mong sinabi
Bakit ganoon? Bakit ang gulo mo? Bakit mo pa binawi?
Okay na sana, natanggap ko na
Yung aking naging desisyon na kalimutan ka.

Pero kahit ganoon, binawi mo man o hindi
Nakapagdesisyon na akong maghunos dili
Ayoko na din kasi ibuhos ang lahat ng atensyon ko dito
Malay natin, balang araw, pero sa ngayon, bitiw na muna ako.

Kung ikaw man ang tunay na para sakin
Balang araw, diyan tayo ay aabot din
Pero sa ngayon, hangga't wala pang sigurado
Mas mabuting tapusin na muna natin itong gulo.

Translation:

I am confused

I am confused with you

I, myself, do not know anymore what I must do

That's why instead, I just pray to God

Because the truth is

If I just let this be

Then of course the answer would turn out to be yes

Because that is just how strong my feelings for you are

It doesn't even sound right

That I, a girl, am the one who feels this strongly

But is there anything I can do about it?

No matter what I do, I just keep on coming back to you

You probably don't know how hard I tried to stop it

You probably don't know how many times I tried

It's partly your fault as well, you are just so confusing

Whenever I'm about to let go, that's when you pull me right back.

And then you suddenly leave me in mid-air

In a way as if nothing just happened?

Maybe you really just don't know

What confusion you have caused to these feelings of mine

If you think about, I can actually still go on this way

But it's also tiring me out, you know.

I know that you're not really even making me hope in vain

It's just me all along who hopes for something more.

That's why I'm saying that I don't want to keep going on like this

Let's put a stop to this back-and-forth already, okay?

I wanna stop liking someone who has no feelings for me

It hurts, and I 've already done it once too many times

I prayed, I prayed hard to God

I asked and asked for a final guidance for this.

Because even I can't understand anymore

Why my feelings for you just cannot be reined.

I tied His answer to yours

For days, I waited and cried for this

Because I just really wanted clarity already

Whether I should let it go, or let this be.

And the answer? Do you still remember?

I asked you if there will ever be a time that you will love

I may not have asked the question exactly that way

But it would mean the same if you really think about it.

You said that you are not limited to go through that stage

And that means "no" in my own understanding of it

That's why, then and there, I decided

To finally forget my feelings for you.

But you took back your answer in the next things you said

Why? Why are you so confusing? Why did you take them back?

It was fine already, I've already accepted

The decision I made to forget my feelings for you.

But even so, whether you took them back or not

I've already decided to stop being foolish

Because I just wanted to stop focusing all my attention to this

We don't know, maybe someday it can still happen, but for now, I'm letting go.

If you are indeed the one for me,

One day, we will definitely get there too,

But for now, until nothing is for sure,

It's better to put a stop to this mess.

In My Silence

I'm not pretending that I don't know.
I just choose not to say anything.
Because I know that if these feelings I'd allow to show,
nothing would change, nothing good would happen.

I chose not to act upon it, not to say a single word.
And if I'm hurting now, they wouldn't hear it from me.
Some might say my rationalizing is erred,
but wrong or not, I just rather not fuss over it.

Knowing full well that one word could lead to another,
I kept everything to myself, sharing only to few.
I was fine; I didn't let it get it to me; I didn't bother.
But just like that, the calm, that I veiled myself with, shattered..

My emotions are in wreck.
Like a broken dam, it flows unceasingly.
I had worked so hard to keep it in check.
But those words had stripped me of my protection.

I didn't need anyone to tell me what I already felt.
I didn't need to be woken up nor my eyes be opened.
Because I knew from the start what cards I have been dealt.
I knew it was never a winning hand, wasn't even a safe one.

Silence does not always mean Ignorance,
just as talking about it does not mean knowing all about it.
I wasn't happy with this, but talking would offer no assistance.
I was prepared to wait it out, until it didn't bother me anymore..

But now, in my rawness, it has pierced me so.
To it, I can no longer feign cold indifference.
Now it is something truly called my woe.
And yet despite all this, I still choose to remain in silence.

Whatever I think, whatever I feel.
I will utter no word to them. Not a squeak.
But all this I write today, I write so I can heal.
Words I do not say, in pen I find my solace.

Under the Same Sky

I've always been
A hopeless romantic.
A girl in love
with the idea of love.

And as I stare
at the beautiful night sky,
I can't help but think
Dream
That someday
Somewhere
You and I
Will find our way to each other.
As long as we are both under this same beautiful sky.

There's no telling when
Or how we are to meet.
All I know
is that it will happen someday.
Yes, someday,
Our paths will intertwine.
You and I
Will lie under this sky and gaze at it
Together.

Seven Ages

Maybe I'm the one for you, and you're the one for me
But how will we ever know if we never even try to solve this mystery?
We can take the chance or we can let it pass
But don't you think it's worth exploring if there could be an us?

Have you never wondered at all, taken notice at all?
Or maybe I still have much to do to get over your wall.
I know I've yet to ignite the spark inside your heart
But somehow in your mind I'd eventually hold my own part.

And since 1+1=2, and we know that the integral of e dx is e
Then maybe you might see what a match to each other we could be
When nerds of similar interests meet,
Don't you think even corn can turn sweet?

So if you ever see our weirdness' compatibility
If God so opens your eyes and you finally look at me
Perhaps then I could finally make you understand and believe
That a non-superficial and unselfish love can exist beyond Adam and Eve.

But know that I know you're still in stage two, and still have much to finish and do
And to be completely honest, the same goes for me too.
I may have finished school before your way even got mid.
But my life is still in the process of becoming how I planned it.

So I'm not rushing you, no, we can take our sweet time
And let this music of ours find its natural beat and rhyme
Because if it's meant to be, if you are indeed the one for me
God will make a way, darling, for you and me to end up as "we".

And if it turns out that this match up will end in shambles
If it so happens that I am just Adler to your Holmes
But still, I'd like to try it to the end, and see what could be destined
Will we diverge, or converge in a stage three sequel up to stage seven?

Only Friends

The hardest part of falling for a friend
Is that you can't really tell,
In fear of losing the friendship,
In fear of jeopardizing everything.

But yes, it is good to be close to the one you adore.
I can spend time and talk without making up excuses to do so.
And can ask you many things under the pretense of friendship,
All these, others could only hope for.

I asked you one time,
The things you seek for in a girl.
Much to my chagrin, I am way beyond what captures you.
It is way beyond my reach.

And then after some time, I mustered up the courage to ask
Who the lucky girl is, the one who caught your fancy.
But then again, I knew, before I even asked,
it could never be me, and I was right.

And thus is why I wonder
Do you not even notice?
Do you not realize why I'm so curious?
Because I think the answer is obvious.

What does she have that I don't?
No, what do they have that I don't?
But who am kidding?
I already know the answer.

And though I know I am not really lacking..
Yes, I'm not perfect, but I still am very eligible.
And yet, despite that, I see myself as insignificant.
Because nearly all my endeavors have been fruitless.

You are not the first, and probably not the last.
Again, my heart has been broken,
because I am not up to what you seek.
Why, I always ask, must I be subjected to this fate?

I'm sorry I don't have the qualities you like,
I'm sorry I'm not what you're looking for.
I guess I never can be the apple of your eye.
But atleast in my dreams, you are mine.

Heart Speaks First

Meaning what you say
Saying what you mean
We both know they’re two different things.

What your mouth says
What your hearts speaks
You say they’re different, but how will I ever know?

You push me away
You tell me you need me
What am I supposed to do?

You’re telling me not to let it all slip away
You’re telling me to not believe all you say
But how would I know what to believe when it’s all a mess?
I can’t just believe some words and disregard the rest.

You say we’re a team even when it hurts.
Saying your words don’t mean as much as what your heart exerts.
It isn’t a good distinction.
No, we can’t stay in this confusion.

To stay together, we’re bound to get hurt sometimes,
Don’t say you don’t mean the words, don’t say they’re just lies.
Sometimes I will get hurt, you will too, but we will learn to be better.
Know that loving won’t work if we can’t be honest with each other.

Goodbye to You

We had a relationship that lasted long,
Unlike others, we managed to stay strong.
And we probably would have continued to do so,
But we made the decision, and it was to let go.

Maybe at first, I was just scared to let go.
Maybe I just didn’t want to go beyond what I know.
Because for so long, being with you became my norm.
I was scared to test the waters, because I already knew “warm”.

But the time had come, it was our time to say goodbye.
Because sometimes there are things that can’t go on with just “try”.
It was painful, it was hard,
But for us, it was necessary to part.

So goodbye to you, goodbye to us,
Goodbye to so many things, goodbye to what was.
I loved you, I really did. And I know you did too.
But maybe we both saw this coming; I think we both knew.

I say goodbye, but really, we’d still see each other again,
Because though we’re no longer lovers, we’re always gonna be friends.
Moving on was not easy, we both knew it’d be that way.
But we knew it was for the best, for us to see better days.

Slumber

I find myself unable to write

About the emotion that used to hold me tight.

To this, my pen now lies in rest.

My words no longer sing of what I used to write best.

Writings ruled by so much emotion

Page upon page filled with such passion

The heart poured into every word, every line.

These were the letters, the stories I called mine.

But now no such words pour out of my head

What used to come naturally is now a river that runs dead.

But it is not that I cannot write anymore

It is only of this, that my mind seems a locked door.

I used to never be in lack of a muse

But now museless, my writings are no longer romantically infused.

The Moon is gone, and so are feelings unrequited.

It is high time I write of else, freely and undaunted.

I am unable to fall in love, my heart seemingly indifferent

Not that I cannot feel love, 'tis only of my own romance am I pococurante

But of the love around me, I too becomed moved

There is no bitterness, for their joy, I am delighted.

Now if I were to write of love again, it will no longer sing about the Moon's plight.

Of mutual love and the happiness it brings, these instead, my pen will write.

Because this story has already seen its fair share of hurts and pain

And we know it is a rainbow that comes after every rain.

But for now, as of now, my heart lies unclaimed

Yet someday, this heart that runs free will also again be tamed.

It is the day this slumbering weapon of love will finally awaken

It is the day that I will fall in love again.

Breathless NOT Speechless

Sometimes it still knocks the wind out of me
The way the words pierce through my soul
The way MY words take me to a place
A place that only stories, poems, pieces can take me to
And I am left gaping
Unable to believe
That these words are my own
Because they surely don't seem that way.

Sometimes it still knocks the wind out of me
The way a person can inspire me to write
The way YOU can make me conjure magic
Magic that only stories, poems, pieces can conjure
And I am left reeling
Unable to resist
The way you spur me to write
Because I don't think you even know you do.

Yes, IT knocks the wind out of me
Yes, YOU knock the wind out of me
You and MY words
Because my words are about you
Even when I don't want them to
Even when I try not to
But they are
Because you are
You are what compels my pen to write
Unconsciously
Unwillingly
But much needed so
Because it would be a waste not to put these words on paper
A waste not to put you in my words
A waste to let these feelings be wasted
Even when I know that they are not returned
Precisely BECAUSE they are not returned.

Because this is my outlet, the window to MY soul
And others may not get it, but this is how I let go.
When pen meets paper in sweet reflection
My woe may end up another's deep connection
So I will write
I will let my wings unfurl, unfetter
And let my heart pour magic onto paper
Brought about by you,
my muse, my windbreaker.

And even if I ever find myself a new muse
I know I would do the same
I will make more magic with the mere thought of the name
Because this is my outlet, this is what I do.
But the stories, the poems, the pieces I wrote of you
Will always tug at my heart and hopefully someone else's too
And I hope these words will bring them to a place
A place only writing can take them to
And that will put a smile on my face
Knowing that my words AND you--
Which hadn't seemed like my own...
And hadn't known all along...
-- had connected to others in all the many ways
And maybe had knocked the wind out of them too.

From Me to Thee

My heart I bequeath to thee

and pray someday thou wilt show me fancy

but if she hath thy heart, and it cannot be made mine

I say to thee, though it pains me so, my heart will still be thine.

This milady longs to be thy maiden fair;

Longs to shower thee with love and care.

In thine arms this one seeks to find and have a home

Lest thou not allow it so, then this lady shalt keep roam.

My heart is thine I hath said to thee

My eyes see no other man for this milady.

But perhaps thereth someone else as I walk forth

Perhaps someone else shalt capture this maiden heart.

So with a smile and a hood for the long run

This lady shalt walk on until this journey is done.

My heart I shalt for now leave with thee

Until its rightful King claimeth it for me.

Through it All

You and I have been together for so long,
and throughout our journey, many things have gone wrong,
yet here we are, still together, still standing strong in this fight,
because all else could go wrong, but we know our love is right.

So many have said that we won't make it through.
So many doubted us, didn't think this we could do.
But they saw what we did, we proved to everyone we could last
in this world that we are in, where things come and go so fast.

Though we argue so often, I know we'd still be together,
because you and I know that we must give up never.
So we need not always see eye to eye on everything with each other,
because though we're different, we do complement one another.

I know sometimes I say I no longer feel loved by you.
But I realized that was wrong, because love me is all you ever do.
You cared for me like no one ever had.
So I'm sorry for those times that I doubted and got mad.

So, my love, you know by now, that I easily get pissed,
and I'm really sorry for the bad qualities of which I consist.
And I'm really thankful that you do try to be patient with me,
I really do appreciate, though you may not always see.

I do hope that you and I will never forget
all our memories together, though there's more to come yet.
And I do hope also that you will always remember,
that though I am like this, I do love you for forever.

Beautiful

It's beautiful.
The star-filled sky is
more magnificent than what the eye could ever behold.
Scattered
Uneven
Disarrayed
There seems
no rhyme
nor reason
with the way it is arranged.
but there need not be.
it is
As it always had been
and always will be
Beautiful.


-September 2015

To Summer

I'm falling apart.
Because now, all I have is
A cloudless sky.
A soundless tune.
A flightless bird.
Why'd you have to sing my swan song?

But perhaps he's right.
"You push away everyone who could possibly care for you."
Maybe this was my fault.
Maybe I dug my own grave.
Maybe I sang my own swan song.

But it's almost over.
Now it's time to begin again.
Soon the music will play.
Soon the birds will fly.
Soon the sun will shine.
Because very soon, Summer will be here again.

If I had met you...

If I had met you first,
Do you think we could have been together?
Would you have been the one with me now?
Would we have lasted this long?

If I had met you then,
Would we have noticed each other?
Would we be close friends like now?
Would I have liked you the same way as I do now?

If I had met you before her,
Would you have liked me the way you like her?
Would you have courted me the way you did to her?
Would I have been the one in your heart instead?

If I had met you before him,
Would I have fallen for you?
Would I not care about him at all?
Would I have no regrets?

A heart's contemplation

How could I ever put my feelings into words from this mindframe,
When I know full well that you don't and won't ever feel the same?
Tell me what am I to do?
When lately my every dream consists of you.

How am I supposed to feel?
When I don't know anymore what's real..
I keep saying I will cut the ties,
But even to me, they all sound like lies.

My feelings for you have been subtly growing,
All these have happened without me even knowing.
Now how to cut the plant that has blossomed into a tree?
Cut the roots, but now that seems too much for me.

Tell me why you have to act like this?
Why do you always shower me with your sweetness?
You make me long to be the one in your heart,
But I know that I could never play that part..

You do so many things that lead my feelings on.
But I know in truth, that you are just like the Sun.
Too hot to touch, too far to reach.
I'd only get burnt if I continue to beseech.

And I know I must stop this, but I have no idea how.
All I know is I'd sink deeper if I don't do it now.
So I have this request for you that I really want to ask.
Could you please help me put this love for you to finally rest in the past?..

Kingless Queen

In the deep recesses of my heart

there lies a lingering feeling
a space
a void
empty
unoccupied
but
reserved
for you
and only for you.
Vacant it shall remain
until the day
you decide
to clear the cobwebs
to loosen the chains
to unlock the doors
and make way
for me
in your mind
in your heart
in your life.
Then
and only then
will you finally
take possession
of this throne
that is only waiting
for its king
to lay
his claim
on this crown
on this kingless queen.

Presence

You're confusing me
Spinning me around like a top;
You keep me from careening off the palm of your hands
captivated
entrapped
imprisoned
by this situation.
by you.

I am on my toes
eager for the next exchange
I await it so fervently,
but patiently
It consumes the unfilled spaces
in my thoughts
in my heart
in my life
now there is a presence.
now there is you.

I will not assume anymore

I told myself I would not assume.
No matter what the signs may point to
unless it is stated plainly
I must remain on the null.
In math, I could assume
I could deduce
I could infer
but not in this
not in love
not in life
Lest I concede
to suffer another broken heart
that could
would
should
be
avoided.

Hence
I
will
not
assume
anymore;
not here
not with you
not in what you say or do.

Worth the Wait

Love is greatest of all emotions, they say.

It is one capable of making a person view life in a different way.

Yet love is so often taken for granted or misused

which is why many hearts end up broken and bruised.

But love, when it is true, when it is right

is worthy of the hardships and worthy of the fight.

And such is why so many persist and take their chance

To find the one, that special partner in this lifetime dance.

But as for me, right now my lovelife is at a standstill.

Yet I have faith because I know all this is a part of His will.

And my patience is just being tested

So I will wait, for His plan cannot be bested.

I don't know what lies in the depths of my journey.

I don't even know who and when I'm going to marry.

But to my future partner, I may not know who you are

But I know that the time for us to meet is no longer that very far.

So until then, I will be right here, waiting.

I may get lonely sometimes, but I'm definitely not hurrying.

They say the longer one waits, the better the coming person will be,

the sweeter the love, the more precious depth there is to "we".

So even though I know that waiting can be hard and boring,

and though sometimes it can also be considered tiring.

But I won't give up, waiting is what I'll continue to do,

I know it'll be worth every second when I'm finally with you.

Because you're gonna meet all my standards, be my every dream come true

even the dreams I had but never really knew.

Our story would be one far above all of my fantasies,

because it'd be a reality written by the Greatest Author of love stories.

Though maybe at some point I may have gone and lost my way

But still I know we'd find our way to each other someday.

And I would tell you that I waited for you for so long

but even then I knew you'd be worth it all along.

If Only I'm Just Dreaming

Lately I've been feeling out of sorts.
A lot has been weighing on my mind since that week.
The things you did, the words you said, they got me so confused.
And now I'm pondering if this was all just your ruse.

 I always thought to never trust a guy who tells a girl they're beautiful
as if that's the most normal thing to do or say.
As much as it's music to the ears of women, to me they're more like warning bells sounding beware,
Because at the end of the day, it's the girl that will cry, and the guy that doesn't really care.

 But because of the things you did, I just can't help but wonder.
And I keep thinking of you even when I don't intend to.
I gotta stop this now, because I know this feeling very well,
I know where this ends, but I'm still getting caught under your spell.

 This situation, I don't want it, it's not supposed to be like this.
Once again, I'm in dichotomy. My heart and mind just don't seem to go the same way.
"Leave me be", says my mind, "I don't want you here."
But ever so stubborn, my heart whispers, "I will keep you near.."

 Tell me that it isn't real. Tell me it's just a fantasy.
Tell me it's just a dream, and maybe, just maybe, it's okay to keep dreaming.
Because there's no danger if it's not real.
I won't really fall if it's just make-believe what I feel.

 And if it's not a dream, and you're just playing around.
I'm telling you now that my heart isn't something to toy with.
Because my heart is weak, it falls faster than normally,
So I can't let my guard down, I gotta keep these walls around me.

 And if the feeling's real, and you're trying to get to me.
It's gonna be hard, because I don't intend to give up at all.
I have every reason not to ever let you begin,
Even if you find every conviction, I can't let you barge in.

 And as much as I enjoy such kind of attention, I gotta ask you to stop.
I don't want to misinterpret, I don't want to get my hopes up again.
Because seeing how you are, I don't even think it's likely
that a guy like you would ever go for a girl like me.

 And now if it was all up to me, I'd make this all just part of a dream,
A dream that's gotten out of hand and I need to snap out of.
So now, wake me up, because I'm falling fast, and I don't want to.
No, I don't want to, especially not with you.